Is the sky really that blue??

I’ve been on the road towards sobriety, for a few years now.  Periods of alcohol abstinence, followed by the longer periods of being a regular drinker.  Recently, ingesting the memoirs of roads towards sobriety, studying about alcohol and the effects on the brain and body, my conscious decision to walk a road towards sobriety and journaling about this process has increased ten fold in the past few weeks.  Reading the book, This Naked Mind,  written by Annie Grace,  certainly has been a game changer and catalyst towards me choosing to explore a life without alcohol.  As the alcohol literally leaves my system and is being processed, my vision is becoming clearer, brighter.  It’s similar to when you’re at the dentist office getting work done and they put those sunglasses on you so you can’t see the bright beaming light one foot above your face…and they suddenly remove them and the light is just SO bright…too bright almost…it just is incredibly bright.  I was journaling this morning about how it feels to become sober.  I don’t really remember what it felt like to become NOT sober…I just was a kid one day, and then now,  I’m 41 and drink wine every night.  There are no crazy drunken stories in my past.  There are no mornings I wake up, not remembering what I’ve done or not done.  There are very fuzzy memories, where I’m stretching to remember things but struggle to remember?  My head hurts some mornings and there’s the sickness I sometimes feel occasionally.  To consciously take captive the feelings and thoughts and emotions and sensations of becoming sober is riveting and euphoric.  Here’s what I journaled this morning about becoming sober:

“I slowly blink open my eyes.  I’m floating in an abyss of sorts.  I am aware of what I am physically feeling first.  I feel heaviness and pressure.  Hundreds of pounds of pressure upon me, squeezing me from the outside in.  I begin to realize slowly that I’m hundreds of feet under the water.  I really concentrate to look and understand what I’m seeing.  Blue…deep and dark blue…barely any light around me.  I strain to find something to spot in the distance but it’s all kind of this unending expanse of nothingness…just blue and dark.  My hands try to rub my eyes, but there’s plastic.  A mask?  A diving mask?  What the heck?  I panic some and turn my head and there are bubbles.  I become conscious of my breathing…I’m breathing…but how?  How am I able to do this?  I bring my hands to my mouth and discover there’s a ventilator.  I move my arms and find oxygen tanks strapped to my back.  I  feel my body moving…but I don’t really feel.  I sense a dull feeling of something ON me.  I’m covered in a wet suit.  All of a sudden…I’m freaking out.   How far down am I?  How did I even get here?  Did somebody drug me and dress me and take me down here and then leave me here alseep only to awaken and find myself here?  And then, it hits me like a ton of bricks…I must have CHOSEN to be here.  I must have CHOSEN to put on this wet suit,  CHOSEN to drive a boat to this spot to dive, CHOSEN to put on this mask and ventilator and WILLINGLY dove into this deep, and dark ocean and sink to nothingness.  Why?  Why would I ever CHOOSE this?  I think about this for awhile…just kind of floating in the expanse.  This feeling, sadly, feels familiar.  Like I’ve been here before and realized this before and shockingly have CHOSEN to remain here…and for some reason, in this moment, something clicks.  I CHOOSE to leave.  I decide that instead of sitting here wondering and pondering how I got here and why I’m here…I just decide to focus everything on how to get OUT of here.   Instantly, I desire true air.  I want to get OUT of this ocean.  I want with all my heart and soul to ascend out of this void and into natural light.  As I do begin to slowly and with intention rise to the surface of the ocean,  I begin to notice the water is turning to a lighter blue…it’s becoming more clear…I can begin to make out things like fish, coral reefs, more bubbles and particles floating and living around me.  I can see the rays of sunlight beaming from the sun into this water.  And with all my might, I am kicking and moving my arms and using my breath to get up to the surface as fast as I possibly can.  I am ripping off the mask and ventilator and the oxygen tank and flippers and wet suit and instantly feel relief at their release.   I have never wanted to feel the water on my bare skin, to feel the water embracing my body, flowing through my fingers and in my hair as I do now.    I have never wanted to breathe the fresh air, and feel it fill my lungs with life’s breath, as I do in this time and space.  I have never wanted more, in this instant, than to get to the top.  I’m not reacting…I am responding to an innate desire for freedom.   Freedom from whatever brought me down into those depths and am GRASPING for release into the peaceful surface.  I make it to the top and gasp.  My lungs burn from the shock of their ability to take in air.  I am able to see…see the water, the waves, my hands in the water.  I am swimming and free diving and rising back up.  I am full of life and air and light.  After a moment, I turn to my back and float on the open sea and gaze up.  I take it all in.  The feeling of being rocked in the ocean.  The sounds of the water flowing around me.  The feeling of the water moving around my body.  The smell of the fresh air.  The taste of the salty water on my mouth.  I bask in this beauty and enjoy gratefulness that I’m here and now, consciously making this choice and with purpose and I never want to leave this kind of CHOOSING.  And I look with all my intention at the cloudless sky above me…and I ask…is the sky really that blue?”